Adventures Of Akatsuki – Drabbles
by YonderB
Summary: Drabbles centering around the members of the criminal organization Akatsuki. Crack. Numerous members starring in each drabble. No pairings as of yet. Rated for swearing.
1. Bets – Hidan, Deidara, Kisame, Kakuzu

Hidan swore so loudly and so profoundly that Zetsu took a step over to Tobi and clasped his hands over the younger man's ears. Deidara, however: the one the swearing was aimed at, just seemed bored...

Until a single word made him straighten and flush a deep, angry puce, and scream in a high-pitched, irate voice: "LEAVE THE PUPPIES _OUT OF THIS, DAMMIT!_ _**UN**!_" With that, the blonde launched himself from his sprawled position on the couch to promptly tackle Hidan out of a strategically-placed window.

Poking their heads out of the very same window as soon as the two swearing members cleared it, Kisame and Kakuzu watched curiously as Deidara and Hidan got smaller and smaller, and the swearing got quieter and quieter.

Kisame gave a sniff. "Two pesetas. Deidara hits the ground first."

Kakuzu scoffed, but took the bet anyway, holding two gold coins in between his fingers, yet never taking his eyes off the swearing two.

_THUD_

Kakuzu smirked and turned to Kisame, who reluctantly started shuffling in his pockets. The pained wail of '_Oh god, my SPLEEN_' wafted back in through the window, but no one really noticed.

((END. Well, I finally decided that I should post all of my stupid little Akatsuki drabbles here! You have been warned, that they are all crack, and not to be taken seriously. I wrote this while RPing with a good friend of mine. More to come! The only reason Kisame is referring to pesetas is because I like the word!))


	2. Packages – Sasori, Tobi, Itachi

Sasori was not a patient person. Especially when he had to wait for something he really wanted.

Sasori had been waiting for a specific package for _two whole weeks._

The postman had delivered an electric toothbrush that Kisame had ordered, a case of dynamite for Deidara, three colouring books for Tobi, and a pair of glasses for Itachi. Yet, nothing for Sasori. Oh, how he _hated_ to be kept waiting.

On the third week, the postman came with a large boar which Zetsu gleefully took from him, stuffing an apple in the pig's mouth before yanking it toward his room –where the curious scent of charcoal was coming from–, before Sasori looked at the postman.

"Sorry, I don't have anything else," the man said simply.

It was a pity the postman was such a quick runner. Sasori would've loved to just get his hands around his thin throat, and squeeze, and _squeeze_, until--

The next day, Sasori slunk to the door as there was an elegant tinkle from the doorbell. This wouldn't be what he was waiting for either. It'd been three _whole_ _weeks_.

The postman gave him a hesitant grin, shoved a small box into his hands, before running for his goddamn life.

In the hallway Tobi hummed cheerily, lying on his stomach, feet moving to and fro in the air, red wax crayon moving with impeccable ease. Quite suddenly, there was a high-pitched screech-like whoop, and Tobi's crayon slashed through the thin paper.

"_Ohhhh_..." Tobi let out a moan of distress before looking up and flinging his arms over his head just as Sasori vaulted strait over him and zoomed toward the TV-room in a mere black and red blur.

Itachi sat elegantly in the TV-room on one of his favorite chairs, one leg crossed neatly over the other at the knee, coffee balanced perfectly on said knee. A magazine was placed across his lap, sharp black eyes observing the words through tinted-red wire-rimmed glasses.

Quite suddenly, something tore past Itachi with such force that his coffee cup toppled off his knee and clattered to the floor, spilling it's warm contents all over the polished wood.

Looking up from his hair-care mag, Itachi stared incredulously at Sasori's back as the puppet master made flamboyant and hurried movements around the TV and accessories.

Tobi, curious about all the fuss, poked his head into the room, akin to one of those 'Fu' cartoons, where you could only see the fingertips and the nose up, even if Tobi's nose was hidden.

Itachi and Tobi stared as Sasori planted himself mere inches away from the TV and giggled in euphoric delight.

"He finally get that Kingdom Hearts game?" Tobi quipped.

Itachi merely nodded, eyes still fixed on the puppet master.

"FUCK YOU, TIDUS! TAKE _THAT_, TWIGGY BOI!"

((END. Based on a true story, people! All my drabbles are written in mere minutes, and I don't give them much thought. I love Tobi. He's such a sweety. And, yes, I did scream that last line at the TV when I played KH. I fought that little blonde five times in a row just because I liked attacking him! Nothing against Tidus fans!))


	3. Cat – Kisame, Deidara

Deidara stared incredulously at the sight before him.

"Have you ever actually watched a cat eat a mouse?" Deidara blinked at Kisame, who was sprawled across the floor, with a cat lying on the ground before him. Deidara swallowed thickly as he watched the cat bite down on the head of the dead rodent and a loud _CRUNCH_ was heard.

"Uh... No, un..." murmured the blonde.

"It's rather interesting." Kisame continued, watching as the back-end of the mouse fell to the ground, but a string of the intestines that was hooked on the cat's tooth stopped it from making much of an impact.

Deidara turned a mild green colour.

The blue-skinned mist nin watched as the cat ate along the intestines like spaghetti before there was a retching noise, and Kisame looked beside him to see that Deidara had bolted out of the room.

Shrugging his massive shoulders, Kisame turned back to the feline just in time to see it eat the tail, which curled in a feeble effort for freedom.

((END. Based on a true story again! I watch my cat eat mice whenever he kills them. I find it interesting!))


	4. Stress–free – Hidan, Kakuzu, Deidara

Hidan swore, stalking in a tight circle, flinging his arms in the air when it seemed necessary, swearing, and continuing to swear.

"HAVE YOU BEEN FUCKING _LISTENING TO ME?!_" roared the topless akatsuki member, standing rigidly in front of Kakuzu, who was sitting at a table, counting his money.

"Yes," the masked one answered.

Infuriated with his partners' constant calm attitude, Hidan did something no one should do if they wanted to live.

He grabbed Kakuzu's table by the legs and _threw_ it at the wall, which made every single golden coin that had been so carefully placed in dainty piles, fly across the room too, and clatter onto the polished wooden floor.

Hidan turned to Kakuzu, who sat stiffly on his chair.

Suddenly, there was a flash of steel, and Hidan stumbled backwards to bump is back against a wall, a kunai protruding from between his ribs, blood flowing freely around the weapon and over his pale skin.

Hidan coughed and blood smeared over his lips as he looked up to see Kakuzu standing over him.

Raising a hand, Kankuzu wrenched the kunai from Hidan's lung, causing the young man to flinch and for more blood to stain his mouth. Raising the kunai again, Kakuzu stabbed it into Hidan's chest, before yanking it out, and stabbing him again, and again, and again.

Hidan's yelps of pain echoed throughout Akatsuki HQ, causing a curious Deidara to place his ear against the door and raise a blonde eyebrow.

"Never knew those two swung _that_ way, un."

Hidan finally flung his hands out to shove Kakuzu a few steps backwards.

Gasping, thick blood flowing easily out of his mouth and down his chin, the young man then looked down and stared, open mouthed, at the forty-odd stab-wounds that were flowing blood from his chest. Looking back up at a seemingly content Kakuzu, Hidan flushed an irate red.

"WHAT THE _FUCK_ WAS THAT FOR YOU _SHIT-FACED **DICK?!**_"

Kakuzu knelt down on the floor and started picking up all of his coins one by one. "You're like a stress-free squeezie ball. I can stab, and stab, and stab, and you don't die."

The monotonous edge to his voice made Hidan bristle.

Deidara flew backwards away from the door with such force he banged his head against the wall opposite it, his grey-blue eye wide as outraged swearing so loud it hurt the young blonde's ears exploded from behind the door with such power that it made the doorknob shake.

((END. Kakuzu's line "You're like a stress-free squeezie ball. I can stab, and stab, and stab, and you don't die." is from the RP with my best friend, and I thought that i'd worm it into a drabble! I had to add Deidara in here somewhere!))


	5. Crossdress – Deidara, Itachi, All of 'em

"I hate you. Un."

There was no reply.

"Why do _I_ have to do this, un? Why not you? Your hair is as long as mine is! Un!"

Finally, the other spoke. "It was a toss-up. The dice were loaded."

"_WHAT?! _THOSE FUCKING BASTARDS U--!!" a sharp tug at his hair silenced him.

Deidara glared moodily at his reflection. It was of a young man with grey-blue eyes and long blonde hair, which was being carefully combed by another young man, who had long black hair and scarlet eyes.

"Why meee? Uuuuun." Deidara moaned in distress, slumping in his seat in front of the dressing table mirror, causing Itachi to give him a sharp glare as his elegant fingers raked through the silky blonde locks.

Deidara glared at his reflection as Itachi pulled his hair into two high pigtails, his fringe still falling over his left eye.

Turning the blonde around on the hinged stool, Itachi took up the lipgloss and eyeshadow with deadly skill.

After having his lips being coated with a sticky goo that smelt oddly of watermelons, Deidara finally asked the question which had been eating away at his brain for the last few minutes.

"How come you're so good at this, un?"

Itachi didn't answer strait away, he just continued to lather the blonde's lips with the sparkely goo before screwing the cap on.

"I've done it before," was the brunette's answer before he ushered the blonde to close his eyes, eyeshadow at the ready.

A wide grin melted onto Deidara's face. "You like to cross-dress, then, un?"

"Would you like me to add a frilly pink pair of silk underwear to your outfit?" was the stiff reply.

It was like a play was about to start outside of Deidara's bedroom door.

Kisame had dragged a couch and three recliners to surround the innocent wooden door in a half-circle, and he had taken up residence in his favorite denim-patched lumpy blue recliner, a leg hanging over one of the arms which was leaking a bit of stuffing.

Tobi was sitting curiously on a puffy pink cushion on the floor, cross-legged, with Zetsu sitting stiffly on the grey recliner behind him.

Hidan was sprawled across the double black leather couch and Kakuzu was sitting on one of his legs because the slick-haired Jasshin-believer refused to move it.

Sasori was sitting with his arms crossed on the remaining recliner, which was a nice red velvet number which Tobi occasionally just sat beside and stroked like a pet.

All six of them were staring at the wooden door before them expectantly.

Finally, the golden doorknob glinted and turned, Itachi stepping through, glancing over the six expectant males.

"You finished already?" murmured Sasori curiously, tilting his head to the side.

Itachi nodded and reached a hand behind the doorway and grasped hold of something, before stepping out and away from the door, bringing the thing he was holding by the upper-arm with him.

Kisame straitened, Kakuzu blinked, Hidan clutched his chest directly over his pendant, Tobi clapped his hands over where his mouth should be, Zetsu flushed a deep ocean green, and Sasori bit his tongue.

Standing beside Itachi was Deidara, donned in a miniskirt, blouse, bra, frilly panties and high heels, his hair pulled up into two pigtails, and, perish the thought, all six of the shocked Akatsuki members actually thought he was female.

Not for the _first_ time, of course.

Kisame was the first to recover, a grin taking over his face, revealing pointed teeth as an appreciative whistle twittered from his mouth.

"FUCK YOU!_ UN!_" roared the blonde, trying desperately to make his skirt longer, face flushed a raw red.

"Gotta watch that tongue." Kakuzu waved a finger. A smirk was evident from his tone. "Women are supposed to be graceful speakers."

"I'LL BLOW YOU ALL TO_ FUCKING PIECES!_" Deidara screeched, face going six different shades of red in mere seconds.

"I-I think you look nice, Deidara-senpai!" Tobi squeaked, scratching behind his ear, his eye downcast.

A ringing silence enveloped the eight men, until Hidan finally broke it a few minutes later.

"I never actually thought you were gay until now."

Deidara cursed all of them continuously, and said that the next time there was an undercover mission, Itachi was going in the dress.

The Uchiha merely smirked in a way that clearly said '_dream on, dickwad_'.

((END. Well, I don't really understand why I wrote this, and I loathe the fact that my drabbles are getting longer and longer, but, I enjoyed writing all of the Akatsuki's reactions!))


	6. Prod – Tobi, Hidan

Prod.

Prod.

Prod.

Tobi knelt over the thing before him.

Prod.

Prod.

Prod.

Tobi tilted his orange-masked head to the side.

Prod.

Prod.

Prod.

Pro--

"MOTHER FUCKER, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!"

Tobi clapped a hand over his mask where his mouth should be.

So it_ was_ Hidan!

Who would've thought!

The semi-singed, dirt-caked decapitated head merely snarled and continued swearing.

((END. I actually wrote this, and then let it rot on my computer. Goodness me. Tobi is love.))


End file.
